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I wanted to find a layout with room for lots of journalling on this one (and, as it turns out, there still wasn't enough room, lol). There is a small piece of orange card stock thats peeking out from behind all the other layers of patterned paper, at the top of the page. That little piece of paper looks as though its part of the layering, but it isn't! Its actually more journalling. I figured it would work, since the title work is also in the same colour.
Oi. Where do I start on this one? I've alluded to personal struggles in my blog before. I am not sure if I've alluded to the marital problems we are also facing. The bottom line is our communication sucks, and in a few short days, we'll be seeing someone that hopefully will be able to help us straighten things out and get us (eventually) back to where we started- or even better- beyond where we started.
The personal struggles- all stem back to feeling overwhelmed raising the twins on my own. At least, that's the way it feels. When Kyle is busy with work, he's rarely around. When he is around, he offers very little help around the house and with raising the kids. My plate is full and its wearing me down- and out. I can't help but feel incredibly jealous of the freedom he has in coming and going- as he pleases and when he pleases. I don't get that luxury anymore. In fact, all the 'luxuries' that I took for granted when we were dating, married (and when I was single) have all been stripped from me. My whole world day, night and otherwise, is KIDS- dirty diapers, fighting toddlers, wiping up messes, trying to stay on top of my own messes and HIS to boot, keeping everyone happy (though miserably failing in that department) and somehow, in between everything else, magically finding time for myself.
The luxury of friends, the freedom to 'pick up and go' as I please, being alone, doing what I want and what I like- all of that takes the back seat because I have to ensure everyone else is cared for first. So much so, that I don't even remember who I was, what I was like, what I liked to do (other than scrapbooking, naturally). Now all I know is constant anger, frustration, and unhappiness.
When everything is stripped away- the frustration, the exhaustion, the depression, the loneliness--I LOVE what I have- a husband and two beautiful children. I still want more.
But, what I need is for my husband to realize that I need help, and I need to carve out some time for myself- alone- and time with him, as a couple. There are several key areas in our relationship that's been lacking for a number of years, and no matter how often I bring up the subject, and tell him what I need, nothing ever changes. I don't know how to get through and how to open his eyes to the reality of what things are. The thing is, I want his help with some things before I go to someone else for help. This is his family, not somebody else's. When he takes responsibility for his kids too, one hurdle will be overcome. All that means is I want him to offer to bath the kids every once in a while, change dirty diapers every once in a while, bring the dishes to the sink for me and rinse them off (or better yet, if I'm not feeling good, or if I've run out of time and need to do something else, jump in and get the dishes/vacuuming/ tidying up, etc. done without me even having to ask!) clean up his own messes instead of waiting for me to do it for him, and realize that I need to get out (and getting a job isn't my idea of 'free time' and 'personal time') and give me the freedom to do that without feeling pressure to get home as soon as possible, or guilt for even wanting some time for myself.
While it sounds like he's massively lazy, he does do a few things to help me out (such as mowing the lawn and every once in a while, cooking supper, and taking the garbage to the curb), there isn't much else that he willingly does around the house. I mentioned above that I want him/need him to take responsibility for his family. He also needs to take responsibility for himself. The only thing (in my opinion) he prides himself on is his job. He devotes all of his time to his job, and has little- if anything at all- left for anything else after he comes home. Its to the point where I need to figure out how I would be able to get the lawn mowed myself, with the kids hanging around, or how I'm going to get weeding done (in the front yard) with the kids around, or even how I could wash my own vehicle in the driveway without worrying about them running away. Some things just aren't possible for me to do right now, and because of his lack of enthusiasm/motivation/dedication, I have to figure out how to do even that on my own. Everything just keeps piling on top of everything else.
And, I'm drowning in it.
Well, in a pretty bit nutshell, that's what this layout is about. Though, the journalling in my layout is the abridged version of what I've written here. Truthfully, I could write a whole lot more- nasty, hurtful, vengeful- all types of words, but I won't. I don't need to. The day is coming where I can get everything off my chest- in a controlled, and safe environment. And, that's not to say I'll be rude and mean (intentionally) about it. I can't say where our relationship will be after all is said and done, but hopefully we can work through it all!
