Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It is Time

Its drawing nearer.

What I've been dreaming of for the last three years, what has finally been decided, what is finally happening after the great adventure, reality setting in, and stretching our family of two.

And, along with it comes happy, sunshiny, warm walls, nerves, the best and the worst in all of us, baseboards that we don't know how to properly install and crown moulding thats probably going to be affixed the same way as the baseboards, and excitement.

The babies are going to scream ceaselessly through the day because their mother is too busy to pay much attention to them and they're going to insist on mama gently stroking their foreheads and the backs of their soft, thick and curly, brown haired heads- once they roll onto their sides- when its time for bed.

We'll start going out so strangers can come and see how we live; they'll look through the dwelling that's been our home for the last three years, asking themselves whether they like it and if they want to live here. We'll pack everything up and move it- and us- back home to start the next chapter in our lives.

Hopefully happier. Hopefully more fulfilled. Hopefully to rebuild our connection and strengthen it. And, hopefully to keep it there. Undoubtedly with more to look forward to- and to share it with.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not Over

You are still suffering, poor, sweet girl.

It just seems like one thing after another keeps popping up for you, making getting better a little harder to achieve. Boo!

Daddy and I braved the awful weather and driving conditions to bring you back to the doctor to learn that your ear infection is still angry looking; we're going to keep giving you medicine until Friday. Tomorrow was supposed to be the last day. I mentioned the diaper rash you have, and after looking at it, he said that its fungal in nature. Which would explain how angry it looks!  And, sweetie, I am soo sorry for the pain I put you in every time I clean you up and put cream on your rash. It feels hot to my fingers, and I am certain it doesn't feel nice to you, either.

I watched you all afternoon and this evening while you took your bath, and I am certain that even sitting is not desirable to you; instead of sitting on your bum in the bath, you stayed on your hands and knees, and any time I tried setting you down on the floor so I could do something, you would instantaneously break down in tears. (And, I am soo thankful you have tears- I was worried you were dehydrated from all the diarrhea you've bee having- its why we brought you back to the doctor in the first place. As soon as he began assessing you, the tears sprang into your eyes. Thank goodness!) Mama doesn't even know how to hold you so that you're comfortable. Diaper rashes are one thing; ones as bad as this are a totally different ball game, and I do not wish them on anyone!

You're still fairly irritable and cuddly; you had a hard time getting comfortable with me, but you looked pretty comfy snuggled up on your daddy's sturdy chest this afternoon. I'm glad he had the opportunity to spend time with you like that. He's been so busy lately, he hasn't seen much of you or your sister for the last couple of days. And, I'm glad you had the opportunity to spend some quality time with your daddy. I know how much you love him, baby!

Miss Addison- I am soo proud of you! For the last two nights in a row, you've slept so good! Bed time was at 7:30 and its now 10:15, and you haven't woken up and cried (or screamed) once yet! Normally its usually within an hour or two of putting you down. You are soo amazing!

BUT, you are awake now. You must be hungry!

Saturday, March 19, 2011


We've weathered your first flu bug together, and I think its made you realize that mama doesn't just have time for your sister.

When daddy came home from work this afternoon, and he held out his hands to you for a little snuggly hello, you ignored him and began fidgeting with the locket around my neck. Daddy was a bit surprised. I have to admit, so was I. Daddy is your hero!

Maybe, after the last three days, mama's become a hero in your books, too. That makes me proud.

And relieved. A part of me was (is) afraid that on some level, you're going to think or believe that I like you less than your sister. Its insecurity, I'm sure it is, and its a hope. I hope you don't grow up believing that, because it isn't true. Just read through my blog and you'll find it isn't true.

I think you are finally beginning to feel better. There is color in your cheeks again, your busy, easily distractable personality is coming back to life (though there is no twinkle in your eye yet), and your sweet smile- scrunched up nose and squinty slits for eyes- is on its way back. I fed you formula tonight and you held it down! 6 ounces of it! That's remarkable, considering earlier this afternoon you weren't even able to hold 2 ounces of pedialyte.

In the morning- cereal!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Double Whammy

You poor, poor soul.

You were fine from 1 o'clock yesterday afternoon until roughly 3 o'clock this afternoon when the diarrhea hit you hard. By 9 o'clock tonight, you began throwing up again- everything you ate at supper (which was only 3 tablespoons of cereal- when you normally eat about 6), and when you woke up at 9, when I tried giving you some pediatric electrolytes drink. You threw some of it up, and then continued throwing up from then on.

The diarrhea is still bothering you, too. I could feel your guts rolling while I held you in my arms. I changed your crib sheets when you woke up at 1 this morning- you'd had a massive accident; I tried giving you more pedia lyte, but when I stood and turned to bring you back to bed, you threw up again.

Its 2 in the morning, you've finally settled, your sister is throwing a tantrum (and I'm trying to ignore her erratic screaming), and I've thrown a load of laundry into the wash. There's enough clothes, jammies and sheets to make up a load. When we wake up next, its going in the dryer, so I can keep on top of keeping you clean in between getting sick. I am waiting up to make sure you and your sister are asleep.

All I can do is keep trying to feed you. That's the best I can do. I just wish cuddling you was sufficient enough to make you feel better (as lately it doesn't seem to be doing the trick anymore).

Get better soon, little trooper!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Snuggly Soft

The surest sign you aren't feeling good is cuddling.

Baby, you are not a cuddler--when you're feeling good. But, when you are not, its all you want to do.

And, today was one of those days. You snuggled up to be, curled up in my arms, dozing off and on all day long. When you weren't throwing up, that is.

Throwing up on me.

Thank you for making clean up so easy! All I had to do was change my clothes and rinse you off and change your clothes (four or five times, but who's counting?!) I'm pretty sure it isn't always going to be as easy as this!

And, dear sweet Addison, thank you for being so sweet and happy and self-entertained most of the day. I know you're not feeling good either; it just didn't seem as bad as your sister.

You both are so special, and mean the world to daddy and I, and it makes us feel so awful that you're feeling awful. But, like I told your daddy, if making you feel better means sitting on the couch all day long cuddling you, then I feel like I've done my job.

Its exhausting, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is you!

Monday, March 14, 2011

In the Beginning

I am secretly dreading our trip to Alberta in the next few weeks.

It is going to be the *first* time I leave my children- with their grandparents- and its going to be for 5, or possibly 6, hopefully not, but maybe an entire week- and I am not looking forward to it. Unlike the last time I had to leave my children in the hospital overnight, I still got to see them during the day. And, I spent the entire day with them when they were in the hospital. (This was in August).

When twin B got to come home from the hospital--Addison--I hated that twin A--Maren--wouldn't be discharged because she was still having some minor problems. I wanted my family together, and I wasn't going to be happy until we were all together.

And now there are days where I looonnnnng to spend time away from them for longer than 2 or 3 hours. That small period of time doesn't always feel like long enough, though any break is a relief. Though, I do have to say that things are nowhere near where they were even a month ago, and the NEED to get away from them is virtually nil most days. 

I just never imagined that the first time I would spend a period of time away from them would be longer than a night. I am trying to prepare myself for it; but, I still do not like it.

Part of my worry revolves around Addison. She is so attached to me, I don't know how she is going to deal with me being away. I think it might be tough on her. I just hope it isn't too tough.


Friday, March 11, 2011

The Next Step

Time is inevitably going to speed up in the next few weeks as our plans bring us closer to 'the next stage in our lives'- moving our family back home.

We sat down to look at houses on mls again, and I have to admit there are some beautiful homes out there- and in our price range, too! Its quite surprising, actually. I am really hoping for a home with an open floor plan, so I can keep busy in the kitchen while still keeping an eye on the twinlets if they're playing in the living room. Some of the other wants/needs for me in our new home include a pantry, hall linen closet, and a window facing the yard so as the babies grow and get bigger (and able to play in the yard by themselves), I can keep an eye on them while I'm in the house completing my chores. That's not a comprehensive list, but a list nonetheless.

In the meantime, packing will begin. I want to declutter and thin out what we've accumulated since living in the trailer, moving into a home of our own, and having children. There are a lot of things that husband and I haven't worn, looked at or used since knowing eachother, and its those things that I want to either donate, sell or just plain get rid of. Its going to be a huge job, and he isn't going to be around to help me with it, so when his parents come out here to help us with our move, I will enlist their help instead of his.

I am so excited to finally be going back home- my dream come true.

I can hardly wait!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A New 'the Hardest Thing to Do' (as a new mama)

It just doesn't seem right to have to discipline your baby at one years of age.

Since you've been crawling, you're touring around the house, exploring, learning, experiencing a broader world. I am so happy for you that you're at this stage in your life. There are so many things for you to see, do, learn and experience!

Along with that comes things that mama and papa don't want you getting into- for your own safety; like the garbage cans. Those are icky. And the pets' drinking water. I know you love water, and I can't fault you for that--your daddy and mommy love water just as much as you. Their water isn't for playing in. And there's the bath tub. Lately you've taken to trying to get onto your knees inside your little infant tub, and it isn't safe. When mama tells you to stay on your bum, I mean it.

Discipline is the yucky--but necessary--part of parenthood. And, baby, don't doubt that mama and daddy don't love you. We do. We're just looking out for your own wellbeing. When mama gets down on her hands and knees so she can look you in the eye, and slaps your hand, it breaks my heart to do so. I know your crying means I've gotten my point across, but it hurts me to even have to do it.

I don't know if its wrong to pull you into my arms and kiss you shortly after I have to 'punish' you; it makes me feel better, though. I try hard to positively reinforce your actions when you do something--play with something-- that is not off limits. I hope that comes across more loudly than the disciplinary kind...

The same goes for your sister when she finishes her lunch and supper. It makes mama so happy that her appetite is improving (thanks to a happier tummy), and when she starts shaking her head no, she doesn't want anymore, and when she swats my hand away from her mouth, I pull her hand down and patiently wait for her to open her mouth. When that doesn't work, I turn to bribery. (I know, it sounds bad, but I don't think it is. If she finishes the food she doesn't want to eat, she'll get the food she does want to eat--the good stuff!!)

And, when she does finish everything on her plate, mama claps her hands and says 'yayyy!', then I clap her hands together. I can tell by the smile on her face that it makes her feel good--she likes it--and I hope its enough encouragement to keep eating as well as she has been--and continue improving on that with each passing day, too!

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Yup, you treated me tonight.

Its been *sooo* long, and I missed it.

What you did will definitely be cherished:

You woke up crying--screaming--and daddy beat me to your room and attempted to comfort you. I came as quickly as I could from the basement, and swiftly took you in my arms, making sure binky came along with us. Daddy told me someone had a poopy bum, but I didn't know who. (You'll learn when you grow up what an awful 'sniffer' your mama has). Then he told me it was you.

I grabbed a diaper and the wipes and brought you into the living room so we wouldn't disturb your sister--who was sleeping on her tummy with her tushy sticking in the air. Talk about cute!! I quickly changed your stinky bum, then turned off the light and sat with you in the dark.

For a while, you gently stroked binky; eventually you found my t-shirt collar and held onto that for a while. Just when sleep was about to completely overtake you, you slipped your hand under your chin, resting on my chest, and the slits where your wide blue eyes are, closed even further.

I whispered 'I love you' a couple times, while I watched you fall asleep--sweet moments like this make me fall in love with you all over again. I am so glad I had the chance to cuddle you to sleep--it makes this mama relieved to know your tummy feels well enough to let me do this for you, and it makes her ridiculously happy that you openly welcomed it.

Of course you would, though. That's how I put you to sleep for the first 8 months of your life! And, I think you miss it as much as I do, which is why you scream so much for my attention every other time!

You are a sweet, sweet girl and I love you immensely, baby.